Hello from Not Hollywood

Everyone thinks that the film industry is this glam life. I’m here to be honest with you. It is anything but beautiful and glamourous. 20 hour days followed by 4 hours of prep for the next shoot just a few hours later, not having anything to eat on set (No Craft Table for you industry types), bitchy bitchy bitchy people who think you are either the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute or the devil incarnate the next.

No one ever goes to film school with the idea of becoming a producer. Everyone wants to be a creative. They want to write, or direct, or paint with light (Those are the cinematographers aka the artists of the set). No one wants to handle the paperwork but they also don’t believe that you can handle it so they look over your shoulder the entire time even if you have more experience than anyone else on the set. Producers get to be the gopher and the paperwork bitch, the runner and the timer, the fill in and the fix it. There are no thank yous for the producer, doing eight jobs at once is the expectation. Someone other than an actor gets sick, you fill that position while doing nine other jobs with a cold sandwich in your hands because lunch was three hours ago and you had to get signatures at that time. I’ve powdered asses to cut down on sweat glint and that is not an euphemism. I’ve been burned by discount fireworks because it was defective and the director would not listen. I’ve had to loan my own house out for shoots and I’ve beat a guy with a bubble wand during a French avant garde film with in a film.

And pay????? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. These films usually have a $350 budget and that covers the fake blood needed.

Schedules are something to be thrown out on the whim of a napoleon with a vendetta. The sun is almost perfect, the light wasn’t quite right, an airplane was flying over, the actor flubbed his only line for the 376th time, the actor wants more facetime so he enters in unnecessary pauses after every word trying to be the next Shatner. Someone won’t come out of the bathroom because she doesn’t want to be around someone. Everyone wants to be in the room during an intimate filming, and someone else is feeling ignored.

and why do I do this? Cause once in a while, you find a script that just enthralls you. Cause once in a while, you just get your friends together to make something stupid but fun. Cause once in a while, a friend asks for a favor which turns out to be wonderful or the most traumatic behind the scenes story of your life. Cause film is life and life is film

As a kid, I spent my life in the movie theater. Every weekend, I’d watch something on the big screen. John Hughes was the big brother of this child of the 80s writing the stories I would eventually experience in my own way. Harrison Ford was the sexiest man alive and taught me what adventure was. Bill Murray gave me the ability to laugh at myself and at the world. Then I learned of Humphrey Bogart and Fred Astaire and Carey Grant. I learned to look at life through the lens of Hitchcock, Lumet, and Ford. And to the day, I see life as a series of moving pictures with yourself in the starring role, and your friends as your best supporting actors and actresses.

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